


flesh without blood

by emergencyquad



Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: M/M, This is a Mess im sorry mom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-18
Updated: 2016-10-18
Packaged: 2018-08-23 03:32:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8312350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emergencyquad/pseuds/emergencyquad
Summary: Sunggyu’s fallen in love and there’s no going back, no erasing it. He’s tried an infinite number of times to scrape the feeling from his veins, tried to chisel it away from the marrow of his bones and the casing of his hot, pounding heart - but it’s still there, an all consuming presence throbbing.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Jungkoolaid](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jungkoolaid/gifts).



> this is my usual non au angstish haruki murakami quote inspired MESS. the title is a song by grimes that has nothing to do with the plot at all but im over it

Most of the time, Kim Sunggyu loves his job. Calling it a job is hard, because he thinks of it as an innate duty made especially for him. A boy group isn’t something most people would be proud of, like the Backstreet Boys or NSYNC probably regret it now that it’s been 1o, 15 years. But Infinite is like it’s name - endless in space, extent, or size. For Infinite it isn’t about the fame or money, it isn’t a job for them. They are their own little makeshift patched together family that goes through the same things as any real one. 

Sunggyu dreamed of rock songs and smashing guitars and writing songs that change the world. What he got instead were 6 skinny kids to take care of and choreography to master. Like anything in Kim Sunggyu’s life, he gave it his all. 

“99.9% synchronization” doesn’t come easily, it comes from sacrifice. 7 boys sacrificing every ounce of flesh, every drop of blood, to the point where a perfectly oiled machine is created and fed by the continuous contributions made by their group’s drive. 

Teamwork isn’t something that is easily achieved. There will be fights, bad, horrid ones that end with bloody, broken noses (much to the disdain of Woollim Entertainment). But the fights bring them closer together, the bloodshed tying them up by their souls and eventually helping them achieve harmony; a beautiful, perfectly imperfect harmony that will sell albums and increase the members in their fancafe until it reaches max capacity. 

Sunggyu doesn’t really understand until they are all exhausted, bones grinding together as they play the same song over and over, desperate for a even a single glimpse at perfection. And in that moment, as he looked at the kids peering at him from determined eyes, he was finally able to accept it all. In the deepest recesses of his soul, Kim Sunggyu understood: one heart is not connected to another through harmony alone. They are, instead, linked deeply through their wounds. Pain linked to pain, fragility to fragility. There is no silence without a cry of grief, no forgiveness without bloodshed, no acceptance without a passage through acute loss. 

That is what lies at the root of true harmony. 

At the start of true harmony, lies an immense amount of trust. There can be no secrets between the seven of them, because it will ruin them. 

And Sunggyu is breaking the one rule he sets for Infinite as a team - honesty. No secrets. Their careers depend on it, he always tells them. Their success, pride, the very reason they live and breath and (very rarely) eat.  
Because Sunggyu’s fallen in love and there’s no going back, no erasing it. He’s tried an infinite number of times to scrape the feeling from his veins, tried to chisel it away from the marrow of his bones and the casing of his hot, pounding heart - but it’s still there, an all consuming presence throbbing. It is lurking somewhere in the pit of his empty stomach ready to take him over every time Woohyun is even so much as mentioned. 

Sunggyu has tried many tactics. He has switched roommates and even tried to hurt Woohyun in hopes that if the younger hated him it would ebb away at the feelings residing in Sunggyu. 

But Woohyun never blames Sunggyu - he pardons him, time after time, despite the hurt painted all over him. The hurt is in the very irises of Woohyun’s eyes that are still lined with last nights eyeliner and the residue of tears, it’s in his posture and the way his shoulders sag, and most of all, it’s in the way he tells Sunggyu that it’s okay, you’re stressed, I understand, you didn’t mean it.  
Sunggyu knows Woohyun like no one else does. He knows what every shift in his body and face mean, what every quirk of his lips stands for and what each breathe represents.

So he knows for a fact - the sky is blue, grass is green, and Woohyun doesn’t understand. Not really. He doesn’t know that Sunggyu has been fighting something for years and he has deep, ugly scars to prove it. 

Most importantly - Sunggyu has lost this battle.

 

“Is it possible, in the final analysis, for one human being to achieve perfect understanding of another?” Sunggyu pondered. 

It was one of those days where neither Sunggyu or Woohyun had schedules, and they were sprawled out in the field of grass behind their apartment building. It was rare to find such a serene patch of land in the heart of the city, and it was beautiful. 

Sunggyu continued when Woohyun didn’t answer him. “We can invest enormous time and energy in serious efforts to know another person, but in the end, how close can we come to that person's essence? We convince ourselves that we know the other person well, but do we really know anything important about anyone?” 

Woohyun, eyes still closed, arms folded behind his head, “Do you know me?” 

“Yes, I know everything about you, idiot.” The younger huffed at Sunggyu’s playful response but still didn’t open his eyes. “You’re my best friend, after all.” 

“Okay, so what do you know about me then?” 

“I know that you’re afraid of spiders, or any type of bug, really. You love dogs even though they are disgusting, filthy creatures from the depths of hell.” Sunggyu thought some more, pausing for a minute, “You hate being alone and can’t ever wake up on time in the morning, but can’t stand not being punctual. You’re also a huge momma’s boy.” 

Woohyun had opened his eyes at some point during Sunggyu’s speech, and now he was staring at Sunggyu, a smirk moving one side of his mouth upwards. 

“I guess you do know me.” 

“Oh and one more thing, hyung’s your favorite person in the whole wide world.” 

Woohyun laughed, one of his genuine laughs, not the fake, manufactured ones he used for variety shows, but a real laugh. One that seemed to rip through his whole body and even exposed the bottom teeth Woohyun always tried so hard to hide. 

“Hyung? What Hyung? I don’t see one of those anywhere.” 

 

Sunggyu remembers one night just a few months after Infinite debuted. 

It was dark in the room Sunggyu shared with Woohyun when he finally decided to head to sleep for the night. 

The dorm was at the quietest Sunggyu had seen it in awhile - all the kids had gone to sleep early after the day packed full with schedule after schedule. 

But when Sunggyu’s eyes adjusted to the darkness of the room, he noticed that Woohyun wasn’t asleep yet, but was using the light of his phone to read something - what was it? A letter? 

And the closer the leader got to Woohyun, the more he began to notice that Woohyun was crying. No, he was sobbing. 

“Woohyun-ah? What’s wrong?” 

The younger flinched and held the letter close to his chest, grasping it with both hands, “Hyung, I-” 

Goodness, the boy couldn’t even speak. Sunggyu shushed him and wedged himself into the tiny mattress on the cold floor until he was breathing the same air as Woohyun. 

“Hyung, have you ever been in love?” Woohyun’s voice was so quiet and unbelievably broken that Sunggyu could almost feel one of his ribs crack at the pure, unabashed sadness of it. Sunggyu wondered who had hurt this boy with a beautiful voice and beautiful scars. 

“What do you think? I'm not a tree or a piece of cake. I'm a living, breathing human being. Of course I've been in love.” Sunggyu couldn't help himself when his hand moved the mere inches to run its fingers through Woohyun’s dirty blonde locks. 

“What do you think of it?” Woohyun moved his head into Sunggyu’s hand as he spoke, and Sunggyu felt another crack threatening to break his rib and stab at his heart. “The human heart?” 

"I sometimes think that people’s hearts are like deep wells.” Sunggyu imagined his mother’s face when she looked at his father, and he smiled sadly. “Nobody knows what’s at the bottom. All you can do is imagine by what comes floating to the surface every once in awhile.” 

“My dad left my mom when I was 11. I haven’t heard from him since, not until recently. He’s been sending me letters.” The younger avoided eye contact with Sunggyu, almost like he was ashamed. “I don’t know if I want to forgive him. It was hard, when he left.” 

A period of silence passed, the pair didn’t know if it had been minutes or hours. Their usually fast pace lives had seemed to come to a halt, and it was just them in this dark, shitty rundown dorm, sprawled out on the floor like it was the only home they’d ever known. And it maybe it was just that - home. Their shitty, rundown home that had way too many leaks and way too many bruises. 

Sunggyu finally spoke when Woohyun was on the verge of sleep, a leg over one of his and his head somewhere between Sunggyu’s chin and chest. 

“Letters are just pieces of paper," Sunggyu said. "Burn them, and what stays in your heart will stay; keep them, and what vanishes will vanish.” 

 

For a certain kind of person, love begins from something tiny or silly. Sunggyu was that certain kind of person that got tilted in one direction, blown off course, or thrusted into some strange, inescapable terrain that goes by the name of Nam Woohyun because of the tiniest thing. 

Sunggyu was triggered on a ninety degree afternoon with a full face of makeup and a full car of sweaty Infinite members. Sunggyu and Woohyun were stuffed into the back of the van that of course, got the least amount of air conditioning. Fuck rock paper scissors honestly. 

“You know what I'd really like to do the most right now? Climb up to the top of some high place like the pyramids. The highest place I can find. Where you can see forever.” Woohyun leaned against the window and Sunggyu looked at him like he was his entire world. “Stand on the very top, look all around the world, see all the scenery, and see with my own eyes what's been lost from the world.” 

“One day, let’s go. To the pyramids.”

“I’ll race you to the top.” 

And in that small, insignificant moment, Sunggyu was pushed off the edge and couldn’t scratch and scrape his way back up to the Kim Sunggyu he was before. 

Genius or fool, you don't live in the world alone. You can hide underground or you can build a wall around yourself, but somebody's going to come along and screw up the works. And for Sunggyu, Woohyun was that somebody. 

 

“Hyung, what’s it like to be in love? To want somebody’s heart?” 

It was a dark and rainy Sunday night and Sunggyu could almost taste the time fleeing from the both of them. He could feel his opportunities wasted on the tip of his tongue, climbing down his sore throat and threatening to choke and clog up his valuable lungs. 

“It’s a little bit like this.” And Sunggyu grabbed Woohyun by the inky black hair on the back of his head and pulled him closer, closer, closer until they were breathing the same air and thinking the same thoughts and sharing the same heart. Connected by symbolic, Sunggyu liked to think, strings of their already laced together souls. 

“I don’t just want your heart. I want your flesh, your skin and blood and bones, your voice, your thoughts, your pulse and most of all your fingerprints, everywhere.”

Sunggyu knew they were riding the same wavelength when Woohyun took the pads of his fingertips and ran them across Sunggyu’s highs cheeks all the way down to his collarbones and back up again - carving a path of goosebumps on pale skin made just for him. 

“You’ve had it since 2009, idiot. You have everything.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment if you enjoyed even one word of this fic !!!! Or even if you didnt!!!! Please do it im so lonely i Need them. Maybe one day ill post one of my happy fics


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